


Trouser Snakes

by withthepilot



Category: Star Trek RPF
Genre: Crack, First Time, M/M, Tentacles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-30
Updated: 2010-12-30
Packaged: 2017-10-14 05:55:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/146104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/withthepilot/pseuds/withthepilot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chris notices something unusual about Zach. Guess what it is! (Hint: It's tentacles.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Trouser Snakes

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: It does what it says on the box: RPF + Tentacle Sex + Crack. If you know for a fact that any or all of the above don't suit you, then this is probably not your cup of tea.

The first time Chris saw it, he almost choked on his latte. Well, he didn't actually _see_ it. It just kind of...moved. In Zach's pants. In a manner that was extremely un-cock-like.

"What's the matter, Chris?" Eric asked. "It's decaf, isn't it? Craft services strikes again."

"Uh...yeah," Chris said, forcing a laugh and sticking his tongue out. "Fuckers."

He didn't move a muscle or breathe another word until he and Zach were alone, at which time Chris grabbed his wrist and yanked him close, nearly knocking the stupid hat off his head.

" _Dude_ ," he hissed. "What the fuck was that?"

"What was what?" Zach asked, squinting.

"That thing that moved in your pants. And don't tell me it was your dick, because I've seen my fair share, and none of them have ever moved like _that_."

"Oh, have you?" Zach sipped his own coffee, his face the picture of amusement. "Well, now that I've added _that_ little tidbit to my Chris Pine personnel file...I can safely say that I don't know what you're talking about."

Chris gave him a suspicious glare. "I think you do. Come on, what are you hiding in there, a snake or something?"

"Yes, Chris. A trouser snake. Honestly."

Zach rolled his eyes and walked away, only looking back at Chris once to smirk. But it was that one glance that told Chris definitively that Zach was hiding something—and that something was either a huge, bendy cock or a garden snake. Possibly a Slinky. Did they even still make those? He'd have to go home and Google.

Turned out they still made Slinkys, but when Chris saw that undeniable undulation in Zach's pants again a few days later, he could tell for himself: That was no fucking Slinky.

*

The next time, Chris _actually_ saw it, and it was his practiced, cool demeanor that allowed him the dignified response of a loud, girly shriek.

"What?!" Zach said, alarmed as he turned toward Chris. He was fresh out of the shower, post-jog, standing in his bedroom in nothing but a towel. Chris had been lying on Zach's bed, watching TV and minding his own business when...

"Okay, that _thing_ , whatever it is you're hiding under there," and he pointed to the flimsy towel wrapped around Zach's waist, "just poked out and _waved at me_."

"Oh, fuck," Zach groaned. "For real?" He placed his hands on his hips and looked down at himself in unmasked disappointment. "You know, there's something to be said for a little _self-discipline_."

"Dude," Chris said, sitting up and blinking owlishly. "Did you just scold your cock?"

"Not my cock—my _cock_ knows how to behave. It's the other ones."

Chris' heart started beating like a jackhammer. "Other ones...? You have...more than one?"

"Not exactly." Zach glanced at the commercial currently playing on the TV in annoyance and sighed. "Okay, this is totally _not_ how I planned on telling you about this, but...I guess the cat's out of the bag. To put it mildly." He stepped forward and opened his towel, and on instinct, Chris scrambled further back on the bed, already scared shitless of whatever sight was going to greet him under the fabric.

He blinked in surprise when all he saw was a normal cock hanging between Zach's thighs. Well, "normal" in the sense that it was a very nice-looking, well-proportioned member, and in fact, sent a bit of a stir down to Chris' own member. But that was all there was to see: lean thighs, trimmed, dark hair and one singular cock.

"I'm confused," Chris drawled. "Really, if this was all an elaborate plan to wave your schlong in my face, you could have just asked."

"It's not in your _face_. And...what? Ugh." Zach peered down again and huffed. "Oh, _now_ you're shy? Come on—you like him so much, say hello."

And when three slim _tentacles_ suddenly—almost shyly—emerged from between Zach's thighs, Chris grabbed the pillows behind him so tightly he thought they might burst in his grip. He opened his mouth to speak and then snapped it shut again when one of the tentacles seemed to perk with interest. When he managed to look back at Zach, the other man was frowning.

"Well, don't tease them," he huffed. "Can't you see that they like you?"

Chris pinned him with an incredulous stare. "Are you fucking kidding me with this?!"

"Okay, look," Zach started, rubbing his hands over his face. "You're my best friend. I don't want this to get weird."

"You're telling me—no, _showing_ me—that you, Zachary Quinto, are packing tentacles in your shorts—sentient, _flirtatious_ tentacles, no less—and you're saying _you_ don't want things getting weird? Well, I'm sorry, Zach, but we're already there. This is weird. Weird is here. And it's hanging between your legs."

"I should have told you sooner; I realize that," Zach continued, gritting his teeth as he tried to ignore Chris. He took a deep breath and motioned to himself. "But, yes. I, Zachary Quinto, was born with tentacles. It's a family thing that only affects the males. Ask Joe; he'll show you his."

Chris balked, hugging a pillow to his chest. "Joe has them, too?!"

"Yeah. Five of 'em." Zach rolled his eyes. "And don't think he ever lets me forget it."

"Well...I'm sure it's the motion of the ocean or...whatever. Um." Chris swallowed thickly, looking away from Zach. "I feel a little nauseated, actually."

"Yeah, okay, sorry," Zach said, and Chris thought he could see him blush out of the corner of his eye as the tentacles suddenly disappeared and the towel went back on. "I just figured I was going to run out of clever ways to distract you when you noticed." He went to the dresser and fetched a pair of boxers, quickly pulling them on, and Chris realized that he had never seen Zach in a pair of briefs before. Made sense now. Sort of.

"I just don't see how... How have I never noticed them before?"

"I've had them my entire life, Chris. I've learned how to keep them under wraps. I mean, I had to, considering that, well...they're something out of a sci-fi novel."

"Or anime porn," Chris whispered. Zach gave a faint laugh.

"Yeah. So, um...anyway, I think they're just attracted to you. And, y'know, we've been spending so much time together lately..."

Chris put the pillow down, watching Zach throw on a T-shirt and a pair of jeans. He felt better now that Zach was fully dressed, though the sights of his bare feet made Chris wonder if a tentacle was going to pop out from the cuff of his pant leg.

"I don't get it," he managed to get out. "If they're attracted to me, doesn't that mean that _you're_...attracted to me?"

"Not necessarily," Zach said primly, though his cheeks were turning pink again. "Sometimes they have a mind of their own."

"Then why are you blushing?" Chris asked, feeling weirdly out of the moment. Was he actually flirting with Zach the Tentacle Dude? (Because anyone who whipped out tentacles like that was going to forever be saddled with the name "Tentacle Dude," sorry to say. It _was_ somewhat of a defining characteristic.) Not that he was ever too shy to flirt with Zach before; he was a good-looking guy and they had chemistry together. But now things were a little different and they both seemed to sense it.

"I'm not attracted to you," Zach grunted. "I just let you look at my cock. And it wasn't even hard, was it?"

"No...but that doesn't mean you hadn't just jerked off in the shower."

Zach gaped at him for a moment and then turned away to find a cardigan. "Shut up," he grumbled. Chris laughed and Zach smiled slightly, looking back at him. "Seriously, though. Are we okay? I know I just dropped some actual _Star Trek_ -level shit on you, but I didn't mean to freak you out. I just figured you deserved to know."

Chris paused before nodding jerkily. "Yeah, man." Then he tilted his head. "One last question, though: How do you hide them from the people you sleep with?"

Zach smirked, pulling on his sweater. "Usually, I don't. People are surprisingly cool with it." Now it was Chris' turn to gape and Zach laughed, walking out of the room, still barefoot. "You want Chinese or pizza for dinner?" he asked.

"Uh..." Chris thought of his usual Chinese order of beef lo mein and shuddered involuntarily. He was definitely making the switch to beef and broccoli. "Pizza," he said.

*

A lesser man would have avoided Zach after that. And unfortunately for Chris, he was a much, much lesser man than most, so he stopped answering Zach's calls for a week, making plans instead with Karl and John whenever possible. Until one night, when he was meant to go clubbing with Karl and in the midst of the evening, Zach and Zoe showed up, presumably thanks to Karl's invitation.

"Fuck," Chris said. He nearly spit out his drink when he saw the two approaching. Karl gave him an odd look.

"What, suddenly you're unhappy to see your friends?"

"I'm not unhappy," Chris grunted. "I just...I had a misunderstanding with Zach."

"A misunderstanding?" Zoe suddenly chimed in.

"Oh, yes, a _misunderstanding_ ," Zach said, sidling up next to Chris by the bar, almost close enough for their groins to graze. Chris jerked back a bit, bumping into a stool. Zach rolled his eyes and motioned to the bartender. "But let's bury the hatchet, shall we, friend? Two more of whatever the gentleman is having, please."

"All right, very mature there, Quinto," Karl said, patting both of their shoulders. "You boys make nice. I've already promised Ms. Saldana a dance."

"Have fun," Chris muttered. Once they were gone, he looked up at Zach and sighed. "Hey."

"Oh, hey, bro!" Zach said, tilting his head. "Did you see that Lakers game last night? Totally rad, huh?"

"Okay, I get it; I'm an asshole," Chris said weakly. Zach exhaled and slid over one of the drinks when they arrived, throwing down a large bill.

"You're not. I am. I totally sprung this whole thing on you and you're freaked out. I get that. It's not a normal thing to have. I'm a freak of nature."

Chris frowned at Zach's self-deprecating tone and shook his head. "You're not," he said, looking up at him so he knew he meant it. He loved Zach, tentacles or not; he was a warm, genuine person and Chris was continually amazed that Zach even wanted to be his friend. And beyond that, the sordid truth was that ever since Chris had seen the tentacles, he couldn't stop _thinking_ about them—and not in a grossed-out way at all. In fact, he wondered just how they would feel and what sort of things they could do, especially since Zach had said they liked him. And hell, Zach got tons of play on a regular basis, and if no one ever had any complaints... Plus, his Google search of "tentacle sex" had brought about some _very_ interesting results.

Chris cleared his throat and looked at him carefully. "You're really not. Don't say that about yourself, okay?"

Zach gave him a small smile. "Thanks," he said, sipping from his drink. "I've kinda spent the last week figuring that I ruined everything between us. I should have...worked up to it, not just opened up my towel like some kind of creepy flasher. I mean, who does that?"

"You've always been a succinct kind of guy," Chris said. They both laughed. "You didn't ruin anything, trust me. You're still you, after all. I just have to remember that."

"Yeah." Zach shrugged one shoulder and stirred his drink with its little straw. "I'm still Zach—now I'm just Zach plus creepy, expanding tentacles."

"They're not—wait. Expanding?" Chris asked, coughing.

Zach nodded. "Once they're inside," was all he said. Chris blinked, mentally filling in the blanks.

"Um. What...else do they do?"

"Well..." Zach quirked a smile, putting his drink down. "What do you think they do? And I know your propensity for Googling, so I'm guessing this will be good."

"Shut up," Chris retorted, then bit his lip. "Do they self-lubricate?"

"Oh, my _god_ ," Zach said, snorting. He clapped a hand over his mouth to muffle his laughter. "Really? That's what you found?"

Chris pouted. "It seemed viable." Zach just laughed again sharply.

"No, they're...they're basically just like cocks, except wrigglier. Precome, semen, all that jazz. But I try not to ejaculate with them; it's too tiring. I save that job for my penis."

Chris furrowed his brow, wondering how the word _penis_ sounded so scandalous in the midst of a conversation about tentacle sex.

"What happens if you ejaculate with all of them at once?"

"Then I have to take a twenty-four nap," Zach said. He gave Chris a particularly smug look. "And so does the other person."

If Zach hadn't paid for his drink already, Chris would have uttered _Check, please_ right then and there. But since Zach had, Chris just downed the rest of the glass and nodded toward the writhing crowd. "Let's dance," he said.

Zach gave him a knowing smile. "Let's."

*

Chris could only take the grinding on the dance floor for about fifteen minutes before he suggested to Zach that they ditch the others and get the fuck out of there. In the cab back to Zach's place, Chris kept getting pinned to his seat by strong hands and powerful thighs, as Zach seemed to do all he could to suck Chris' lips right off his face. Chris tried not to groan too loudly when he felt Zach's cock, and tried even harder not to sound disappointed that he _only_ felt his cock.

Once they'd thrown some cash at the driver for putting up with them and gotten into Zach's house, however, it was a completely different story. The two of them ignored Noah waiting by the door, nearly tripping over him as they started working at each other's clothes, somehow steering toward the bedroom. Chris tilted his head to plant a sucking kiss at the crook of Zach's neck, and that must have been his spot or something, because in a split second, he was growling his pleasure and backing Chris hard against the wall. Zach held him still as he ground their hips together, and there they were—those familiar undulations, now pressing right against the length of Chris' rock-hard cock.

"Oh, _fuck_ , what the fuck, oh, my _god_ ," he babbled, clutching Zach's hips to pull him closer. He was granted a breathy laugh in his ear.

"See, _now_ you're cool with it," Zach murmured.

" _So_ fucking cool with it," Chris agreed.

About thirty seconds after they finally made it into the bedroom, Chris was pushed down onto Zach's impeccably made bed, naked as the day he was born. Zach kept his boxers on for the moment, crawling onto the bed between Chris' legs and rubbing his thighs, coaxing them open.

"Okay, Chris," he said, his eyes going dark. "You want the works?"

"Yes," Chris said automatically, before it could even occur to him that he didn't know what _the works_ were, because, well—who cared, they sounded spectacular. Zach moved to take off his shorts and Chris blinked as he watched, the haze of lust breaking for a moment as he realized what was happening. "Wait, though," he said. He reached out to grab Zach's wrist and stop his movements. "I don't, like...want you to think that I'm just doing this because I'm curious about...you know."

Zach gave him a strange look. "Well, of course you are. There's only so much that Google can share with you about these things."

"Yeah, but...I also like you. Like...more than friends? And I thought you were hot before I knew about the thingies. I mean, the thingies are awesome, but—"

"It's astounding how incoherent sex makes you. I think you might actually have dropped to a fifth-grade reading level in the past five minutes."

"Shut up, I can read good!"

"First grade," Zach amended.

"Oh, my _god_ , come on already and _fuck me_."

"I was going to and you stopped me with your man feelings! Now shut up and spread your legs and open up for my cocks."

Chris swallowed and did as he was told.

Zach took off his boxers but didn't let the tentacles show at first, making a production of preparing Chris' entrance instead. He slicked his fingers and pressed two into Chris, rubbing back and forth. Zach warned him when the third was going in and Chris gasped, bearing down when he felt it join the others.

"God," he panted, already going crazy when Zach hadn't even brought out the big guns yet, so to speak. "Why is this taking so—why so much?"

"I told you; it expands," Zach said, his own breath heavy as he watched Chris fall apart. "It's bigger than my cock. Don't wanna hurt you."

"Okay, okay..." Chris groaned when Zach curled his fingers, arching up. "Soon, though, yeah? Please?"

"Yeah, okay," Zach said. He leaned back on his haunches and spread his knees apart and Chris watched, amazed, as the three tentacles emerged from between his legs, looking eager to take their fill of him. "Ready?" Zach asked. Chris nodded vaguely and waited, then nearly swallowed his own tongue as he felt one of the tentacles breach him, so much more malleable and form-fitting than a human cock. It seemed to expand to fill his entire channel, already offering some pressure against his prostate, and Chris keened, tugging at the sheets until it subsided.

"Ah, fuck, _fuck_ , that's so—god, I can't..."

"Shhh," Zach said, rubbing Chris' stomach soothingly. When Chris pried his eyes open, he was treated to the gorgeous sight of Zach kneeling over him and stroking himself, the other two tentacles lying in wait. His eyes were so dark against the dim lighting of the bedroom, almost black. "You want more, Chris? Tell me what you want."

"I—does... H-how long can they get?" he whispered. Zach laughed faintly.

"You want to suck on one?" he asked.

Chris nodded vigorously and soon, a second tentacle slid over his open mouth, running itself back and forth over his bottom lip until Chris groaned and it slipped inside. He shut his eyes and hollowed his cheeks as the tentacle subtly moved between his lips, nearly at the same pace as the one between his legs. It wasn't much different from sucking a cock and certainly didn't taste any different than the rest of Zach. Chris shivered as precome coated his tongue. When he looked up at Zach to gauge his reaction, Zach paused in his panting to grin, squeezing at his own cock and then whipping out the last tentacle to curl around Chris' length, pumping him steadily. Chris groaned and bucked his hips, well on his way to being overwhelmed.

"That's it, baby," Zach purred. He fisted his cock hard, teasing the head, and used his free hand to press against Chris' perineum, causing his legs to spread even wider. "Look so hot right now, taking my cocks... God, you're a fucking beautiful sight. Gonna make you come like you never have before."

Chris moaned as best as he could around the tentacle in his mouth, which took advantage of his lapsed gag reflex. The tentacle fucking his ass seemed to grow impossibly large inside him, the clever tip starting to flicker against his prostate teasingly in hot little licks; the one that was stroking his cock coiled around and around the shaft, squeezing and tugging. Chris felt his body start to tense, his orgasm building inside him like a fire ready to rage, and when he breathed in through his nostrils, all he could smell was Zach, Zach, _Zach_.

Filled to the hilt in every possible way, Chris surrendered to the force of an orgasm more powerful than any he'd previously experienced or dared to imagine. Distantly, he could hear Zach shouting his name, and he swallowed instinctively as one tentacle released down his throat and another emptied itself inside him. He opened his eyes halfway just in time to see Zach throw his head back in pleasure, his cock spurting thick and heavy over Chris' torso, already sticky and wet with his own come.

And that, well...that was really all Chris' frayed mind could handle before it took a well-deserved vacation.

*

While it wasn't a twenty-four hour nap, Chris looked at the clock blearily and figured that fourteen hours was still pretty impressive. He peered down at himself, surprised to find his skin clean after the mess they'd made. Beside him, Zach was curled on his side and dozing, a crumpled washcloth in his fist and no tentacles in sight. They probably needed the rest.

Chris leaned over and kissed the top of Zach's head, wincing when the movement proved how sore he already was. "Hey, Tentacle Dude, wake up. Thanks for cleaning me up."

"Had to get up to feed Noah and Harold anyway," Zach murmured into his arm. "And I am not my tentacles."

"That's true," Chris said, trying to sound every bit as serious as he felt. "They're just an awesome, awesome bonus to an already awesome guy."

Zach laughed quietly, lifting his head for a kiss. "God, listen to you. If I'd lied and told you they _were_ self-lubricating, we wouldn't have even made it out of the club, you big tentacle slut."

"Okay, so I liked them. Sue me." Chris smirked at him. "Meanwhile, _you_ ejaculated _three times_. What's that about?"

Zach made a grumpy sound. "I got excited, okay?"

"Oh, you mean the sentient tentacles with the big crush on me got excited?" Chris teased, nudging him. Zach sighed loudly.

"No, _I_ did. You got me; they're not sentient. They get excited when I get excited. And they kept wiggling in your presence before because..." He rolled over onto his back and slung an arm over his eyes, pouting. "Because _fine_ , yes, I find you attractive. Now fuck off."

"Mmm, the truth comes out." Chris shifted to huddle against Zach's side, sliding a hand over his thigh. "Don't be so pissy about it. I feel the same way. Haven't you ever noticed how I always have a boner on set?" Zach gave him a surprised look and Chris smiled beatifically back at him. "And I'm pretty much not going to let you out of my sight until we try every tentacle sex position that I found when I Googled it. After we get a pizza, that is."

Zach gave a little groan, putting his arm down and shutting his eyes. "Hey, remember when you saw one and you screamed like a girl? Those were the days."

Chris kissed his shoulder. "Like I said, it was a misunderstanding."

"Yes, of course. A misunderstanding. Now let me sleep for one more hour and then I promise we'll order a pizza."

"You got it," Chris said, patting Zach's hip and tucking in close. He received a return pat on his behind and lifted his head, quirking a brow suspiciously. "Dude. That was _so_ not your hand."

Zach only smiled as he drifted back to sleep.


End file.
